How understanding anxiety can help us raise more confident and resilient young people.

Are you a parent unsure of how to deal with Anxiety in your child?

Feel free to read the article or click on this QR code or link to watch the video: https://youtu.be/75pA91GMciA

Hi, I’m Marcia Wright. I’m a psychotherapist, performance coach and part of the

Forest First Tutoring team. I’ve spent more than 30 years working with children, teenagers and families, and I want to share something that I think can completely change the way we respond to anxiety in our children.

When our child is anxious, our instinct is usually to make the anxiety go away. We

reassure them, fix things, let them avoid something or remove whatever is making

them uncomfortable. Of course we do. We love them. But sometimes, without meaning to, we can actually reinforce the anxiety we’re trying to help. The first thing I want young people to understand is that anxiety doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them.

Anxiety is an alarm system. It’s designed to protect us.

The problem is that the alarm can go off when we’re not actually in danger.

For a teenager, that might be walking into school, sitting an exam, going to a party,

answering a question in class or worrying about what somebody thinks of them.

Their heart races. They feel sick. Their thoughts start going a hundred miles an hour.

And if they don’t understand those feelings, they can start to think that they can't cope, they need to escape and they cannot physically complete the task at hand. So they avoid whatever is frightening them and then something really important happens. They feel better and their brain releases dopamine which feels great. That relief teaches the brain:

“I was frightened. I avoided it. I felt better. Avoiding it kept me safe.”

That’s what I call the Fear Cycle. Fear. Avoidance. Relief. More fear. It’s one of the reasons anxiety can grow. Avoidance works brilliantly in the short term. The problem is what it teaches the brain in the longer term. So instead, I want to help young people build what I call the Confidence Cycle.

Fear. Understand. Regulate. Approach. Cope. Confidence.

Notice that fear is still at the beginning. We’re not waiting for the fear to disappear.

We’re helping a young person understand what’s happening, steady themselves and

take a manageable step towards the thing they’re frightened of. That might mean a teenager who has stopped attending school doesn’t suddenly go from being at home to completing a full day. Maybe they drive to school and sit outside. Maybe next time they walk to reception. Then perhaps they manage one lesson. Every time they do something they didn’t think they could do, their brain gets new evidence that they can do something challenging.

There is really good psychological research behind that gradually approaching

feared situations is an important part of evidence-based treatments for anxiety,

including CBT. The aim isn’t to prove that nothing uncomfortable will ever happen, because sometimes it will. The much more useful lesson is even when something feels difficult, it is always possible and the fear can be overcome.

Confidence isn’t the absence of fear. It’s trusting yourself to cope with fear. Sometimes we really do have to feel the fear and do it anyway and this is where it can become difficult for us as parents. When your child is distressed, everything in you wants to rescue them. Sometimes they absolutely do need us to step in. If a child is unsafe, completely overwhelmed, needs reasonable adjustments or has additional needs, then of course we respond appropriately. But sometimes something isn’t dangerous. It’s just uncomfortable and there’s an important difference. If we continually remove every uncomfortable situation, our child can unintentionally learn:

“I couldn’t have managed that without somebody rescuing me.” So instead, we can give them two messages at the same time:

“I understand that this is really hard.” and “I believe you can cope.”

Empathy is most effective when it acknowledges feelings without reinforcing fear or helplessness. When a teenager comes home convinced that everyone at school dislikes them and they never want to go back, the goal is not to dismiss their emotions or immediately agree with their conclusions. Instead, start by listening and validating their experience. Once they feel heard, gently encourage them to explore the situation from different perspectives, consider what they can control, and think about practical next steps. A helpful approach is to prioritise connection and validation first, then curiosity, and finally collaborative problem-solving. Over time, this helps children shift from a mindset of “This is awful and I can’t cope” to “This is difficult, but I can work out what to do next.”

There’s one final thing I think is really important. Don’t teach children that anxiety has to disappear before they can do things. Breathing, grounding, movement and other strategies can absolutely help regulate the nervous system. The goal isn't always to make the feeling go away, sometimes it is learning to cope even when the feeling is there.

I want young people to be able to recognise the feeling but know they can still be successful in the task despite feeling anxious about it. When your child does something difficult, notice the courage rather than just the outcome because now we’re helping their brain collect evidence of what they can do.

So the next time your child is anxious, there’s one question I’d love you to remember:

“Does my child need me to remove this obstacle, or do they need me to help them

discover that they can manage it?”

Sometimes we remove it. Sometimes we adapt it. Sometimes we need additional support but sometimes what our child needs most is simply:

“I know this is hard. I’m here. And I believe you can do this. Let’s take the next step

together.”

There will be exams, driving tests, heartbreak, interviews and so many more

difficult situations with difficult feelings that they need to get through to build their

self esteem and a successful future for themselves. We can’t give our children a life without anxiety but we can help them reach a point where they can say:

“I know this feeling. I’ve felt it before and even though I don't like it, I don’t have to

run away from it. I can feel anxious and still choose what I do next.”

That’s how we move from the Fear Cycle to the Confidence Cycle.

And for me, that’s what building real confidence and resilience is all about.

Thank you so much for your time and I hope even a tiny part of this will help!